Feels

12:08 AM dzn syhd 0 Comments

It's funny how my hearts keeps on hurting itself for the same person. Literally i cried for 3 days after what he said to me and it hurts like hell. I cried in the shower, I cried when I sleep, I even cried when I woke up, i cried when i walked to koop to buy foods for sahur. I cried every time.





 But he doesn't even bother me or even notice my depression. This things bother me and I tried busy myself with stuffs like made my bed, washing all my clothes, walk around campus, listen to music. Somehow everything is related to him. And I'll start crying, again. Why? Why? Why? Why he have to show me all this and why am I even botherrrrr when he doesn't even give a single damnnnnnn gosh i hate myself for being this way. I feel so weak and hopeless. Kita "kawan rapat" really hits me hard. Like every time I remember it, I'll cry the shit out of me. But nah, you don't know how much i've cried because of you and still you act like everything's okay and under your control, you don't know that, everything you posted on the social media, makes me so curious about you, and makes me feel "who r u" day by day. It's like you're a stranger and the new person. But somehow I can't do the same things you did, because I can't hurt the person i love  and care so much in my life, but you can. It's just that i need to be vanish out of your life like the mermaid becomes bubble for the sake of her prince. You make me sad every day now. Like every day. And I can't let this controls me. I'm strong as i always be and I can't let you bring me down. I'll go out of your life

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KMK & FUTURE

8:17 PM dzn syhd 0 Comments

Hi. Assalamualaikum.

So. It’s my fourth day in KMK. So far so good. Great new friends, cool roommates, cozy bed, friendly lecturers. Biasalah homesick itu biasa beb. Anak tunggal pulak tu. Tapi serious talk aku tak pernah nangis bila jauh dari ibu ayah even asrama sekolah sekali pun. Nangis stress study pernah lah.
Okay actually nak cakap pasal modul yang aku dapat ni. Di matriks ada 3 modul bagi student sains.




MODUL 1 : Maths, Biology, Chemistry, Physics.
MODUL 2 : Maths, Physics, Chemistry, Science Computer
MODUL 3 : Maths, Biology, Chemistry, Science Computer

Aku target dari awal lagi aku nak modul 2. Kononnya sebab nak lari Bio. Aku takdaklah benci sangat bio tu.. actually favourite masa SPM dulu. Sebab cikgu yang ajar aku dulu ohsem giler yang membuatkan aku minat bio. Tapi tah oleh sebab aku tak dapat A masa spm dlu macam frust lah jugak, tapi aku dapat B+ untuk Physics so aku rasa mcm aku ke arah Physics. KONON.

TETIBA!!!!!! Aku dapat modul 1………. Jadi terfikir sejenak nak tukar modul ke tak. Apa gila ka aku nak ambik sains hayat yang ada 3 beradik tu sekali. masyaAllah. Sooo aku pun terketar ketar menggigil gelisah nak ambil ke tak boring tukar modul tu. Aku juga consult kak kak senior pasal modul2 ni. Hurm….. bila piker balik, dulu aku tak perform sebab aku terlalu bebankan otak aku yang kecik ni dengan Bahasa Arab, Sejarah, QS, Syariah apa semua kot. Tapi masuk matrik nix de lah subj lain yang teruk selain bio dan maths(addmath). Aku yakinkan diri aku yang aku boleh utk peroleh 4 FLAT di KMK ni…

Lagipun ada lecturer boek punya di KMK ni yang perform giler bio beb. Katanya 75% pelajar A dalam PSPM. Aku pun tertarik dan nak pulun gilerrr sains hayat ni. Aku tau aku boleh sebab tu aku nak cabar diriku yang tak pernah perform masa sekolah dulu. Alah. Kena lah usaha. Tak usaha nak berjaya macam mana. Balik rumah tido gemukkan diri lagi bagus.
Okay, kalau aku dapat 3.7 above untuk habis sem nanti apa aku nak buat dengan sijil Matrik yang boleh mohon penjawat awam ni???? APA??? BOLEH KERJA KE BEB??? Ye, boleh kerja. Tapi boleh lah aku nak kerja kejap… travel kerrrr. Oceh. Amin. Then aku nak masuk U. U mana? Hati u boleh? Eh dak dak.
UM ke, USM ke, UIA ke…. Course apa beb? Hurm tu aku tak fikir lagi. Teruk. Apa nak jadi pun xtau ka idzni. Ya aku xtahu. Sebab awal2 tu aku nak jadi dentist, then tetiba engineer lak, then tetiba arkitek lak, then engineer balik, then dah masuk sains hayat ni tetiba rasa nak yang first tu balik. Dentist, sebab tu yang aku nak dari dulu lagi. ATAU! Jadi lecturer matrik balik. Uuuuu. Mcm mana tu..?

Okay, first sem nanti, kalau siapa yang perform giler 3.5 above, boleh mohon jadi lecturer Matrik. Eh jap bukan calang calang nihhhh. Boleh sambung luar negara tauuuuu. Ada Aussie, Jepun, UK, tah apa lagi aku lupa. Haaaa jaminan kerja dah ada, belajar luar negara lak weh. Mcm kalua masuk IPG, kena ngajar budak sekolah rendah dulu, apa semua. Dah lah aku tak suka budak budak nak ngajar budak darjah 1 pulak. Nuh uh, rosak anak orang. Bukan nak kutuk budak IPG eh nooooo, aku yang tak nak. Lagipun nak apply xleh sbb bukan 5 A kan. Huahuahuahua.
So antara dua tu lah. Dentist au Lecturer. Nanti kita tengok 5 tahun lagi ehek ngadenyeeeeeeeee.


Ok tu je bye

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NEW LIFE

1:55 PM dzn syhd 0 Comments

Assalamualaikum. 

So, semua orang dah tahu dapat university mana, kolej mana, and further studies kat mana, F6, and so on. Ada yang end up happy sebab dapat apa hampa nak, and some of them yang kecewa tahap dewa sebab orang lain dapat U. La tahzan…. Rezeki di mana mana ja serious. Allah maha adil. Macam aku jugak lah, aku serious menunggu UPU dapat yang betul betul aku nak. But end up mengecewakan and terpaksa pilih KOLEJ MATRIKULASI KEDAH. Pada mulanya aku memang mindset xmau langsung masuk matrik malah aku pandang remeh orang yang masuk matrik ni. And aku tekad walau apa result UPU sekali pun aku akan masuk jugak yang UPU tawarkan. Tapi ye lah course yang aku dapat tu tak meluas bila aku consult counsellor sekolah aku.So, ramai orang bagi aku semangat include parents aku and cikgu2 yang supportive gila and sangat memahami. Terus rasa membara nak p matrik habaq mai. Ada seorang ustazah ni anak dia masuk KMK jugak, and dapat 4 flat untuk finals dia. So aku pun try lah Tanya dia, mohon some motivation. And Alhamdulillah, akhirnya aku nampak matlamat aku untuk masa depan. Well, she help a lot. Macam, what time yang kelas start and end, suasana, apa perlu buat masa waktu malam, weekend. And dia suruh aku beli buku Q&A sebelum masuk matrik ni and buat buku tu sampai lunyai lah habaq mai. Mak semangat terus lah aku pun pergi beli dekat Hasani dengan alat-alat tulis baru. So, yeah.




Not to forget kawan kawan yang dah masuk U, study elok elok, U sangat mencabar I tell u my mom cerita macam2 masa dia masuk UITM Arau dulu. And kawan kawan yang masuk Form 6 pun. Please, orang yang x dpt upu and end up masuk form 6 ni bukan low class. Kadang kadang orang yang late bloomer ni lah yang akan paaaling berjaya. And I promised myself. Yang aku akan dapat 4flat for every exam yeah really. It’s like a new me u kno. Ye lah, aku masa SPM pun tak outstanding langsung. Memain je so result pun cincai lah lahai. SO, break a leg guys. Somehow, kita belajar kat mana pun, kalau tak usaha tak ke mana jugak. Macam ada senior aku tu, SPM xde lah bagus sangat then dia masuk Form 6 di KISAS and his SPTM is very excellent I tell u. If I’m not mistaken, 3.96. the best student okay. SO apa2 pun usaha, tawakal dan doa penting sangat. Macam cikgu aku selalu cakap, hubungan dengan Allah penting, manusia pun penting untuk kita minta tolong bila kita susah. Macam tolong buatkan air ke. Hehehehehe kidding. No I mean, kalau kita buat baik kat orang kan, who knows orang tu doakan kejayaan kita dalam solat dia. Tapi kan nak buat baik pun jangan lah sampai kita bagi assignment kita untuk dia tiru, or pijak kepala kita macam hamba. Smart lah. Kalau kita tolong dia, and dia tolong kita balik, green card menunjukkan dia ni jenis balas budi bukan jenis kencing ni. Kalau macam kita tolong dia then kita mntak tolong dia balik tp dia mcm liat tu hati hatilah kdg2 org mcm tu yg akan gunakan kita. Setiap orang tak sama niat dia. Ok enough celoteh.
So, lagi dua minggu aku akan masuk matrik and mulakan hidup baru Ya Allah eksaited tapi takut jugak. Matrik memang tough sebab kena belajar balik sains and all that. Macam asasi belajar course yang depa dapat ja but yeah belajar mana yang tak susah. No pain no gain maaaaa. Ayah aku cakap, biaq susah dulu nanti senang nak pilih course untuk degree. Doakan aku dapat 4flat gais. So that aku boleh ambik degree course yang aku minat sangat. TESL. Muahhaa. Tak, aku xnak jadi cikgu. But aku actually nak ambik architecture, tp oleh sebab kat Malaysia ni pembangunan tak sehebat Dubai, Rusia, and others lah kan, so…. Aku kena pilih jalan lain. Kalau aku tekad untuk jadi architect jugak, means aku kena kerja luar Negara lah. Wth no. aku nak majukan Negara aku sendiri yang….. alah sambung sendiri. So better aku kerja benda yang ada kat Malaysia ni. Yeah. Sambung belajar luar Negara adalah salah satu hasrat aku yang paling atas sekali untuk degree nanti.
First step yang aku dah rancang adalah, study maut sampai dapat 4Flat and sambung degree luar Negara. Just how I wish from the beginning aku masuk f5, tapi memain mcm mana orang nak offer luar Negara idzni oi. So this second chance kena pulun gila2 (I think I’m gonna lose weight mcm form 4 dlu). Oh yeah, masa f4 aku serious pulun study gila sampai stress2 kalah orang ambil spm. Tp masuk f5 aku jadi malas and down gila. Tah lah. Benda lepas jangan dikenang. Look forward for achievement.


Akhir kata, goodluck kawan kawan and wish me luck for Matrik. Doakan idzni 4 flat every sem yeah. Thanks guys. Bye assalamualaikum 

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No money? : Carousell

4:57 PM dzn syhd 1 Comments


Hi!
So I'd just started a very little business on Carousell. A very little one. I sell some interesting books, too earn some money of course. I'm completely broke. COMPLETELY. So before I enter University at the end of this month or maybe next month, I want to have at least some money in my wallet. 

I created my account on Carousell last night and started selling this morning. Turn out the books that I'm selling are quite demand by many people. I've sold my Enid Blyton books and already earned about RM 37!!!! Happy girl I am. And there's another customer asked about my Eleanor and Park book. So yeah another customer!!!!!! And then a friend of mine interested to buy my Jodoh Itu Milik Kita novel. ANOTHER LOVELY CUSTOMER!!! 

SO, THREE CUSTOMERS IN ONE DAY. Should I sell more stuff besides books? 

YES! 

There's some bags that I no longer use. Just wanna wait till I finish selling these books then I'll proceed to other stuffs 





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Future

4:55 PM dzn syhd 0 Comments

Hi assalamualaikum : )

 I'm so bored. I quit my job because it was like,,, too much pressure. Imagine, sometimes, i have to work for 12 hours 5 times a week, if there's  not enough staff. And the work is sooo tiring. So i quit! 

Now, i'm stuck at home, doing nothing. I watch "Bake with Anna Olson" EVERYDAY since she bakes sooooooo beautifully and i watch "British Bake Off" every morning. All these cooking shows really makes me hungry. But however it never inspired me to bake, i'm a lazy ass. Okay enough.

What i'm about to say is that,,, I can't wait to enter my next level of life : 

UNIVERSITY LIFE



i got Kolej Matrikulasi Kedah. I KNOW RIGHT. But I don't want to enter Matrikulasi because i have larger dreams besides matriks...

I wanna go UIA... Architecture. I don't know since when I'm into archi, because all i think off before is dentistry, medic.. Tesl'a great too but I'm not capable of being an educator. I'm more to drawings... Perspectives... I really hope and wish my dreams would come true. I mean, who knows right, my work would be as famous as Zaha Hadid, a famous architect that designed skycrapers elegant, shiny, prestige... 

I'm working on my drawings.. But still drawing buildings with perspective aren't easy. It needs patience and yeah I'm looking for it... YouTube is my teacher ahaks. Nope, I don't go to drawing class as I can't really afford myself. I got lot of time at home since I'm unemployed. So,, 

That's all I guess. To those whose reading this post, wish me luck :D 

Bye

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I had to sleep but... Why not?

12:17 AM dzn syhd 0 Comments

I never know how it feels very good to write when you're stressed out. Like I am now ahah.

It's 12.03 am now. I'm listening to Drunk In Love- Beyonce. Okay, it relate to my previous post. Alright i'll skip it. Oh guess what song pop out? SAME OLD LOVE- SELENA GOMEZ. Alright Joox, you're messing with me. Next please!!

Yeah better song : The hills- The Weeknd. Fits, you know its chorus could shatter the glass if you just turn the max volume in the car. Oh yeah there's a "FRIENDZONE" word in this freaking song. Just great, now all songs related to me then. Hahah. Okay the point is

I SWALLOWED SELSEMA PILLS AND GET SUPER DIZZY...



I want to sleep, but the problem is that I CAN'T CLOSE MY EYES. Darn it. 
Uh, I just watched UNFRIENDED. Just now, like 30 minutes ago. You know the movie where there's a group of friends, skyping then a dead girl they pranked joined their freaking skype and threatened to kill them all.

Well here's my comment. Oh please bored yourself with this boring comment i'm gonna give ya.
This movie had nailed to give goosebumps to me. Like really, but the movie is just a screen of a computer and a bunch of friends skyping. Budget. But the movie got my attention. A ghost who murder? And hacked her own skype account to scare her friends and killed them? Doesn't make sense in real life but the killing scenes and countdown game are serious scary. 

Okay i'm sleepy.. So bye night. I guess i'll write again. Or nah

Byep

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Do you remember?

11:59 PM dzn syhd 0 Comments

I haven't wrote for a very long time because i don't usually hide my feelings to people who are close to me. My mom and... Well, i wish to call him this title but we don't really use "boyfriend" "girlfriend" stuff cus it's childish. So i'll use "SOULMATE" 

Do you remember our first met? 
Hahah it's funny because we were soooooooo freaking young and baby. Hahahah. You're in KPA uniform, standing at the door of my class. Smiling. At me! Hahah. Idk what to respond actually because I don't even know who you were. But that was the ever first time I saw you. 

And my friends started this rumor that there's this guy who looked like TOP (bigbang). LOL. This part. So I searched for this person because i'm a huge fan of TOP. And since then, my friends and I called/ screamed "T.O.P, TOP!!!" Out loud at you whenever you passed by the class or canteen.

Till one day you decided to confront me and asked why on earth we're calling you such names. So I explained and you were like embarrassed and yeah yoi and were closed since then. 

Do you remember every exam finished, we would meet at the stairs in front of everyone and asked "mcm mna exam tadi oiiii" hahah. And do you remember when I didn't have my voice because i'd just joined softball tournament and you were like LOL at me. That's cruel hahah. 

Do you remember when we're in the same class? 
Like i was so nervous every time i had to stand in front of the class to present anything. You're in the first row in the class darn it. 
You're so protective.... Every time people just hate me.. You're always there, supporting me. Give me strength, untill I've become what I am now, strong and dgaf of what people said about me.

Do you remember whenever I want to go school, you're always like so mak nenek and membebel "pakai handsock, tudung labuh, pakai socks, baju labuh" hahah. I miss that. I get annoyed but that's you.

I always make you cry, I cried too.. But that's life.. People come and go. 

I mean, you're like different before.. You're not into stuffs like you are now. I'm not your muse anymore..? 
It hurts when you don't do things you said. But yeah, you're a busy guy I got it. 
Sometimes simple things can be so hurtful even you think you do nothing wrong. 

Do you remember? You bought me a minion. It's so cute.. It can sing too. 

You bought me a ring too.. It was so beautiful.. But I don't wear it for a very long time because it will reminds me of the memories we had. 

Now we're just friends and em all we do is chat like 2 hrs a day and you're offline, i'll offline, chat for a 3 minutes and busy again. And yeah life goes on and there's other priority commitments: study and stuffs.

I think you're very comfortable for the life you have now. Freedom. I'm the one miserable for my mistakes. I have to overcome this misery before I enter college. 

I'm sorry. If I'll treat you like I never have before. If you read this, i'll always keep the promise. Always. 

I'll chase my dream, and you'll chase yours. And i'll meet you at the end of the road. I will. 

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